i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
