I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.