You can't motorboat a personality
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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