So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
