apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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