Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You're like the curious george of whores
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
