The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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