Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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