Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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