We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
