my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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