You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
