Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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