textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My cat gives me a boner
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
