Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
