and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
