My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
