R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
