You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
