It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
