but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
