I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
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Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize