if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
