I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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