I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
