I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
