Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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