dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
