I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
