god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
