dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When did angry sex become our thing?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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