apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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