My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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