It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
