Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
