Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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