Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
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