just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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