im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
