You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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