I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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