I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
