Tell her she can't have a vagina
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
