I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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