Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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