o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
