Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
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You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.