In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.