your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
