He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
