Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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