I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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