So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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