I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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